


if only i had arrived on time

by chizuery (chizue_witchery)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Original Character(s), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:02:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29260917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chizue_witchery/pseuds/chizuery
Summary: Racquel looks at the gravestone in front her, lips trembling as she tries to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. There on the gravestone had the name written “Ray Gonzales”. She stared at the gravestone, the numbness of the pain she’s feeling. A blank look with unshed tears that refuses to fall.





	if only i had arrived on time

Racquel looks at the gravestone in front her, lips trembling as she tries to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. There on the gravestone had the name written “Ray Gonzales”. She stared at the gravestone, the numbness of the pain she’s feeling. A blank look with unshed tears that refuses to fall.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she blinked. Racquel slowly looked at the side with a blank expression to see Ray’s mother, Aya Gonzales. His mother only smiled sadly at her, the tears flowing down as Aya tried to fight back the sorrowful expression. 

Racquel finally allowed the tears to fall down, unable to form any words as she sobbed on Aya’s shoulder, the wails being heard by everyone around them. Her trembling body was being hugged by the mother of her friend. 

Her friend took his own life by bleeding himself in the bathroom. She was there when it happened. Racquel was just planning to visit him because they have a group project that they needed to finish. She wasn’t planning or expecting for the entire house to be quiet when she quietly allowed herself in. 

Racquel had a sick feeling on her stomach when she entered the house. She remembers removing her shoes and went upstairs to go to Ray’s room. The feeling of dread was sinking into her stomach the closer she got closer to Ray’s room. God, she prayed that Ray would be sitting down on the floor with the project, thinking of ways to make it better.—

Ray was always like that. He was smart, nice, hard working, but most of all, he studied his best to learn more about mental health problems to help those who deal with them. Racquel was worried about it at first because the more she and Ray researched about mental problems, the more she began to piece the symptoms and what happens when a person has that mental illness, the more she’s realizing that Ray is dealing with something.

His eyes would always— _always_ focus more on depression and anxiety. The common mental illness of teenagers these days that could be described as an “emo phase” or something that’s temporary. Racquel’s heart sank when she realized that her friend was silently asking for help that time. She remembered trying her best to help him, to be there for him.

Racquel remembers the look in his eyes, wide with desperation and fear. She remembers the time she saw him sobbing out silent at the park, his uniform looking like it had just been worn desperately, hair sticking out everywhere. The far away look on his eyes haunted her. She stayed by him the entire time, her arms wrapped around him while he sobbed louder. Her eyes watered the entire time as she listens to him sob with pain and dread.

She never got to ask him what happened back then but he’s different now. He would flinch every so often whenever someone touches him. He’d look at himself in the mirror, looking ashamed of it and hugging himself tight as if there was _someone_ near him. His grades dropped significantly in school to the point when Racquel could _hear_ the shouts from the other side of Ray’s phone whenever his father or mother called. Ray covered his body, not allowing any skin-to-skin contact which was fine with her. She just wanted to _help_ him.

—Racquel twisted the doorknob, calling out that she’s finally arrived after 15 minutes, only to find out that her friend isn’t inside his room. The project is left laying down on the floor with a small basket containing envelopes- or letters. Something inside her _screamed_ to look for Ray ( _and she should’ve listened to it because the wrenching gut on her stomach won’t leave, knowing she wasn’t able to save him on time-_ ) but she cautiously walked closer to the basket with envelopes ( _maybe with letters inside-_ ) and found one with her name written on it.

She opened the envelope and got the paper out to read the contents of the letter. Her hands trembled while tears were threatening to spill, wanting to tear the paper into pieces. She was shaking in fear. That, she read, was a _suicide note_.

Racquel rushed out of Ray’s room to look for him. She felt the sickly liquid that her feet were standing on. She prayed so hard that it isn’t what she’s thinking, but the blood mixed with water said otherwise. She had to forcefully swallow the bile rising up her throat while her wide, teary-eyed gaze followed the water mixed with blood to the bathroom.

She pounded on the door, shouting out her friend’s name, trying to get her friend to say anything to her. She shouts for him to open the door, the desperation and fear consuming her.

A small voice she heard— A cough. A small, weak, wet cough. Racquel called out for Ray’s name again, the fear of hearing it for the last time ( _She tried so hard to help him, and he appreciates it, but it was never enough-_ ). 

“Racquel…,” he called out to her, weakly and soft. Her breath hitches, waiting for any sign of him continuing it. “ _I’m sorry-_ ,” Ray choked out, the blood dripping on his arms is throbbing in pain and agony, “ _I’m so sorry, Racquel._ ”

“Ray?” She whispered out, only to be met with silence. “Ray?!”

Silence. The unnerving fear had crawled up to her, as she forcefully tried to open the door. “Please—” she choked out, tears streaming down her face, “— _Please don’t leave me-_ ”

Racquel shakily ran to find something that could break the door. She found a hammer and took it, not forgetting to call the police to inform them about it, giving out all the information as fast as she can while the police in the call reassured her that they’re going to try their best to get there as quick as they can. 

She held the hammer with her hands and tried to destroy the door. It didn’t break so she tried to destroy the door knob. She hit it with a lot of force that she can do multiple times until it finally broke.

Racquel quickly opened the door and her eyes widened in fear and sorrow, the tears flowing down faster than it was before.

She couldn’t hear the agonizing scream that she let out when she found her friend leaning against the wall, both arms covered in blood with a razor just beside him. The floor was covered in blood and she’s trying so hard to not let a sob escape her mouth.

Racquel kneeled down and hugged Ray, desperately trying to wake him up or his eyes to flutter. He was too heavy for her so she had to drag his body outside the bathroom, leaving a trail of blood behind. 

Racquel thinks she heard sirens from the police and ambulance but she drowned it all, her focus staying on her friend that she’s desperately trying to save. Someone was pulling her away from Ray, and she tried to fight back, screaming at whoever was keeping her away from her friend. All she could hear was static, the muffled voices were far away from her.

She doesn’t remember what happened the rest of the day, but she remembers Ray’s mother telling Racquel that she had gone into shock and had stayed isolated for a week or two.

Racquel looks up to the sky, covering her face a bit from the bright sunlight shone on her, watching as the white fluffy clouds pass by.

Why was the sky so fucking bright. It feels like it’s burning her slowly and painful. The grieve she’s feeling increases even more. Why couldn’t it have rained on the day of Ray’s funeral just like what happens in movies? Why is it sunny with a soft breeze of air that feels like a normal day. Like, her friend isn’t dead.

She walks away from the funeral. She couldn’t handle it any longer. It was tearing her apart. Racquel breathes after a long period of time, the phantom ghost of his blood on her hands still linger her and it’s so fucking painful.

The pain of losing someone hurts her so much, and she doesn’t want anyone to feel the same way. She wants to be able to help those who deal with something similar to what Ray went through. She wants to heal them. To be there for them.

For the first time in weeks after Ray’s death, a small smile crept up while she thought of changing her career path to be a therapist. A person who helps the mentally ill people.


End file.
